i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
