I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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