I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
