I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
