legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
