I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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