I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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