i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
you had me at cake vodka
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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