saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
