You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
