My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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