Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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