tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
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We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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