in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
