dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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