I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
