Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
