It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
