HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
