I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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