Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
