That's when you crack a 10am beer
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
