is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
