Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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