Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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