i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
