Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
