Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
