i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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