John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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