Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
