You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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