Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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