The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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