No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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