you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
