when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
