I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
