Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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