I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
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Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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