I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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