I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
