I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
