and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
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We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
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I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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