I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
