At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
