so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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