hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
