Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You ruined the universe
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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