Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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