And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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