I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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