my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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