am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
