When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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