i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
