haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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